Hitori 「ひとり」

I’m bored. It just seems ironic that I do not enjoy life after college. Well, at least not yet. I do have n job offers to choose from, and that should have kept me busy. SMART wouldn’t allow me to start yet unless I am able to lower my hypertension. As for BiT Micro, well yeah I can start with them right away but I had to keep in mind that once I step in, there is no turning back (with their 4 year bond – not to mention dealing with the same ‘ol people). The other offers, they just come and go as I please.

So far, I had actually convinced myself to accept SMART’s offer. With their competitive compensation and benefits, I readily acknowledged the consequence of shifting from hardware to software programming. Despite my eagerness to start, I just can’t just because of a stupid blood pressure measurement. I am still young; I look and feel fit; I had good exercise through sports; and, I experience no complications whatsoever. But, my blood pressure is in the hypertensive region. So what?! I’m not dying, am I? If it’s because of the genes, then it should be nobody’s fault, right? Darn, this is really giving me a hard time.

Lowering of bp cannot be done overnight. I feel desperate. Not to mention the invitations from other companies, very tempting indeed. I have always kept my options open. If SMART is going to stall again just because of my bp, then let the others have me. It may be the rebel inside; but come to think of it God may have specific plans for me. SMART may not be it. I just hope I would be enlightened as soon as possible.

Everyday had been quite the same for me. Everytime I go out, I always end up in my laboratory in EEE (IML). I have been coming back to my ‘tambayan’ of at least 2 years. What’s nice about IML is that it is air-conditioned and you get to have free internet access. However, the people there have changed. It is now the ‘IML kids’ turn for the lab. Dean and Gian, being MS students of the lab, had been always there. At least I have somebody to talk to once in a while. It keeps me sane, even for a bit.

I do know some other people (brods, dormmates, orgmates, etc) in UP to hang out with but I guess I had already outgrown them. I am no longer a student. I just can’t bum myself with them. My ’01 batch mates already have a life of their own. We have already been separated upon graduation. Different jobs/ventures mean different companions. It is only during rare occasions such as outings that we are able to see each other again.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing’s happening here in Manila. I think I would want to go back to Baguio. My father told me before that I could learn how to drive if I stay there for a vacation. I declined then because I thought I am going to start with a job already. I hope the offer still stands, if ever.

Blood pressure. Why is it high? Depressed? Maybe because I just feel alone. I’m getting the same feeling just as when I first came back from my Toshiba-Japan trip, waiting for the offer that did not come. Indeed, it is really hard to carry the burden all by yourself. One needs to be distracted, and that you cannot do on your own.

I am still in limbo. Still quite stuck in it. I want to move on with my life. So please help me God.